Metamorphosis

Four years ago, I felt as if I belonged somewhere. There was a group out there, a long time ago, that considered me among their ranks. It was unthinkable that they would go out without throwing me an invite. We laughed, we had fun, we stayed out until dawn.
Now, as an older man, I feel isolated from the greater part of society. I feel ostracized because I have unusual habits, and avoided because I have different tastes. Let's face it, people think I'm weird.
In some capacity, I know exactly why they think this way. And yet, I'm always finding myself lost in introspection, trying to figure out what makes me so goddamn unusual.

Maybe it's time for me to embrace who I am, and let everyone else go about their own merry ways. I'm always smirking at the habits of some, finding myself bewildered at the behavior of others. I suppose the treatment towards me is no different, when viewed in this capacity.

Go ahead. Call me weird. Set me apart as an outlier. I am no longer going to consider this a gesture of negativity - rather, you're sparing me the misfortune of interacting with a mind more closed.

From the desk of longtermeffect!

#1: Idleness is the devil's hand

December 8, 2012

As I sit here determined to engineer for myself a new and improved life, I can't help but suspect that these intentions are anything but sincere. I wish for such desirable outcomes to manifest in my life, yet I am unwilling to do the work required to effect such changes. Thus, I sit in this suspended state of stagnation, and any efforts made to expand myself from this prison have only met walls, no matter the direction.

"I'll start studying tomorrow!" might be one such empty promise I have made to myself within the past month.

"Starting tomorrow, I will exercise regularly." is another phrase I repeat to myself every couple of weeks, yet it ultimately carries no weight in the collective sum of my actions.

What things ought to be done to ensure that I don't further find myself in increasingly deplorable situations? Can I avoid what seems to be a downward spiral into the rabbit hole, beyond an event horizon of madness and bitter disappointment?

Only I myself can definitively say so. Only I have the ability to effect such changes upon my own lifestyle. In all manners of speaking, I am the master of my domain, and I am too quick to dismiss this as a trivial tautology not applicable to a set of greater and more relevant truths about myself. Recognizing the extent of one's own influence, however, is a key to realizing one's own potential. I can look at my feet and convince myself that it is I who is stationary while the Earth turns beneath my feet.

Finding yourself as the center of the universe is an awakening yet harrowing process - you realize a death of the ego, but you also come to understand that our perspectives are invariably centered upon our own existences. All events in space-time happen in shells around an observer (such as myself), and these spheres extend out into the very origins of the universe itself, measuring time along its progression. As the two are inexorably linked to one another, our realities are not centered in an absolute framework of time and space, but are independent and unique to one another.

Realizing this 'centeredness' is one key to understanding one's own place in the aggregate of human experiences. Many ancient philosophies have targeted this idea of the center as being fundamental to harmonious existence - for example, in the Tao Te Ching, one particular quote strikes me as appropriate for this stream of thought:

"The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle."

When will I truly find my own center? To know that I must find it is horrendously inadequate. I find it incumbent that I deliver myself from just knowing this fact, to actually realizing it and incorporating it into my everyday experiences.

Here's to an ever-improving and mindfully centered life!